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Funniest Ever Jokes And Best One-Liners From The Greatest Comedians

8 min read

Connect Comfort and Uplift

8 min read


Read our best one-liner jokes of all time from some of the greatest comedians of the ages.


The best jokes ever performed soon become iconic classics, and there is no better iconic joke than a one-liner. We’ve compiled a list of the best ever one-liner jokes from some of your much-loved comedians, so you can remind yourself of the classics! Whether you want to brush up on your knowledge or have a chuckle, read our list of funny one-liners. 


What are the funniest jokes of all time?

The funniest jokes of all time are usually jokes that are easy to understand, quick, and clever. There are so many different types of jokes, and different types of humour, too. We take a closer look at some of the funniest one-liner jokes of all time below. 


Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’” – Bill Bailey

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay


More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, the news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre



“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.” – Billy Connolly

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.” – Eric Morecambe

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.” – Rob Beckett


Funniest Ever Jokes - Rob Beckett


More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“Owls haven’t got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit.” – Ross Noble

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” – Joel Dommett

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

Funniest Ever Jokes - Tommy Cooper


“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: ‘Well, put some cold in it then.’” – Harry Hill


What is a one-liner joke?

A one-liner joke is a joke delivered in a single line. Punchy, concise, and clever, they often make use of play on words, double meaning, or double-entendre. Some comedians use one-liners as a basis for their comedic method. Some of the best one-liner comedians include Milton Jones, Shappi Khorsandi, Jimmy Carr, Tim Vine and Steven Wright. 


One-liners aren’t just limited to comedy performances. One-liners are often used to great effect in film and TV, offering memorable quotes often enjoyed for years to come. 


What makes a joke funny?

It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly makes a joke funny. Humour is completely subjective – one person may find something hilarious, the next person may struggle to understand it or find it childish, for example. The ability to make people laugh is often seen as a gift. Naturally funny people may struggle with the expectation to make people ‘laugh on demand’, and this is where jokes come in. Jokes need to be witty, clever, easy to understand and require the clever use of words as well as a confident delivery.


What causes you to laugh?

Laughing is, scientifically speaking, an auditory expression of positive emotions, such as joy, relief, surprise and happiness. It is a reaction that is difficult to control or suppress. It’s also often contagious, meaning if other’s around you find something funny, you’re more likely to tune in and find it funny too!


Our fantastic list of funniest ever jokes and best one-liners are from the greatest comedians you love. Do you have a favourite?


Has this article got your sides splitting? You can check out the latest upcoming comedy shows at Blackpool Grand Theatre here.




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