Connect Comfort and Uplift

Funniest Ever Jokes And Best One-Liners From The Greatest Comedians

8 min read

Connect Comfort and Uplift

8 min read

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Our fantastic list of funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from the greatest comedians you love. Do you have a favourite?

Got a speech planned or a get together you need a great one-liner… we offer some great clean jokes from some of the greatest comedians on the planet upcoming, including icons and classics.

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

 

funniest ever jokes - les dawson

 

More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’” – Bill Bailey

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

 

Funniest Ever Jokes -Peter Kay

 

More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby.” – Billy Connolly

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.” – Eric Morecambe

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

 

Funniest Ever Jokes - Rob Beckett

 

More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Owls haven’t got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit.” – Ross Noble

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” – Joel Dommett

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

 

Funniest Ever Jokes - Tommy Cooper

 

More Funniest Ever Jokes And One-Liners

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, oo, aah aah aah.’ The other replied: ‘Well, put some cold in it then.’” – Harry Hill

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